Decisions

Ever since a series of text messages this morning (see previous blog entry), I’ve been walking around in a daze.  It’s been hours and I still can’t seem to snap out of it.  I feel like I could just sit still, staring at a wall, letting the hours pass and that would be perfectly okay with me.  It’s like everything in my life is distant and I can’t focus on anything that had previously mattered – my son, the dishes, walking the dog, you name it.

In an attempt to snap out of it, I drove to my office this afternoon in an attempt to get some work done.  As it’s a Saturday afternoon, no one is here.  Usually that would feel creepy, but it’s not bothering me at all.  I’m still in a daze.

Am I really this scared to try again?  And how do I even know that trying again will result in a pregnancy?  And do I kind of hope I just won’t get pregnant?  And what about our dream of moving to a different state – how can that happen at the same time as the imminent arrival of a baby?

Truth is, these past few months I’ve been focusing on moving as a way to shift from the pain of my most recent pregnancy loss in early March.  I decided that while pregnancy and birth are out of my control, moving is not.  So, it’s been mostly full steam ahead.

And then there was the death of a friend — sent me spiraling.  Brought up my grief that I thought I’d successfully buried.

There was also my response a few days ago to seeing an acquaintance and her newborn: I just wanted to get away from her.  The intensity of my feelings surprised me because I’ve really felt like I’ve been doing okay — some sadness when I see people with two or more kids, but mostly okay.  Focusing on the advantages to getting through the early years… Little Bear will be turning 5 in a couple of months… Only one more year before kindergarten… The hardest phase of parenting might well be behind us!

So what is going on?  Do we try again?  And how can we try again if I’m so freaked out by the thought I cease to think and behave like a functional adult?

Of course there’s the thought: is this normal?  Do many women feel this way when contemplating trying to conceive after loss?  I would take it as a sign that I am not ready, but the truth is, I don’t have time on my side.  If I were ten years younger, I’d give myself a couple more years (maybe), but I don’t have ten years.  It’s either try as soon as possible, or let it go.

And I’ve no idea which to do.

I wish I could say I had nothing to lose by trying, but I know that’s not true.  So much is lost when miscarriage happens.  And I’m guessing that much is lost when one tries and tries to get pregnant without success — not an experience I can speak of with any authority (yet), but I’ve heard others speak of it, and it too sounds incredibly painful.

Feeling lost and confused.

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2 thoughts on “Decisions

  1. I’m so glad you exist in my life. We started trying again in May, and I am terrified while I wait, and devastated when the answer comes back with a no. Like, I’m afraid to take an Ibuprofen if I have a headache, or use acne cream during a break out, or taking a hot bath. I suspend all of that the week before my period (usually when I need it the most), just in case. And I’m tired of just in case. I wish a could wait a few years, but that darn bio clock keeps ticking away, and I know things are just going to get hard from here.

    Sorry for the soapbox. I just really relate to you right now.

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    1. I know I’m responding a long time after you left your comment, but I want to say how much I appreciated your words back when you wrote them – and appreciate them now, reading them months later!

      Like

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