Raw – another loss at 10 weeks

I dared to hope.  I dared to try again, against reason, against despair.  And here I am again: another loss.  Another miscarriage. This time, we will not hope again.  This time, we’ve decided to give up hope and turn our hearts toward all we have: each other and one beautiful boy.

In one day, I gave up the dream of my son having a brother or sister.  In one moment, the dream of a second child dissolved like the honey I stir into my tea.

This time, the loss does not hurt so badly.  This is my second miscarriage in 6 months.  The luck I have in falling pregnant on the first try feels like fool’s gold.  Who cares if I can get pregnant on a dime if it all goes down the toilet? Who cares if it all leads to this, these red rivers of loss?

I remember now that the first few days were okay, after my last loss.  I wasn’t actually okay: it was shock.  But once the shock wore off, the grief woke up and took me for a wild ride.  Will it happen again? Will it slam me down with the force of a thousand horses? Or will it be less intense? At least this time, I didn’t hold my baby’s body. At least this time, there is no body to bury.  But does that make it easier?  Or worse?

I am not compelled to name this baby.  I did not learn his or her gender; no one did.  But I dreamed of this baby.  I dreamed of a girl this time, with brown eyes and brown hair.  I dreamed of her birth, over and over.  I imagined her plump wrists and smooth cheeks.  And because of these dreams, I felt calm.  I felt confident. I dreamed none of these things when I was pregnant with Julian, my son I lost in my fourth month of pregnancy. With Julian, I carried a sense of dread, a fear of loss I couldn’t shake even after we passed the first trimester.  While I was devastated by his loss, I could recall my sense of foreboding and it gave a sense of inevitability to his death.

But not so, this time.

This time I feel confused.  What about my calm assurance? What about the sense of peace and calm I received while doing Chi Gong at the meditation center — a sense that could let go of my grief for I was going to have a baby and it was all going to be okay?  What about that?

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2 thoughts on “Raw – another loss at 10 weeks

  1. I know there is nothing I can say to take the pain away, but I am so sorry. I’ve been where you are and it hurts more than imaginable. Take time to yourself, hug your spouse and little boy, and don’t rush the grief. Sending you lots of love!

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