Raw – another loss at 10 weeks

I dared to hope.  I dared to try again, against reason, against despair.  And here I am again: another loss.  Another miscarriage. This time, we will not hope again.  This time, we’ve decided to give up hope and turn our hearts toward all we have: each other and one beautiful boy.

In one day, I gave up the dream of my son having a brother or sister.  In one moment, the dream of a second child dissolved like the honey I stir into my tea.

This time, the loss does not hurt so badly.  This is my second miscarriage in 6 months.  The luck I have in falling pregnant on the first try feels like fool’s gold.  Who cares if I can get pregnant on a dime if it all goes down the toilet? Who cares if it all leads to this, these red rivers of loss?

I remember now that the first few days were okay, after my last loss.  I wasn’t actually okay: it was shock.  But once the shock wore off, the grief woke up and took me for a wild ride.  Will it happen again? Will it slam me down with the force of a thousand horses? Or will it be less intense? At least this time, I didn’t hold my baby’s body. At least this time, there is no body to bury.  But does that make it easier?  Or worse?

I am not compelled to name this baby.  I did not learn his or her gender; no one did.  But I dreamed of this baby.  I dreamed of a girl this time, with brown eyes and brown hair.  I dreamed of her birth, over and over.  I imagined her plump wrists and smooth cheeks.  And because of these dreams, I felt calm.  I felt confident. I dreamed none of these things when I was pregnant with Julian, my son I lost in my fourth month of pregnancy. With Julian, I carried a sense of dread, a fear of loss I couldn’t shake even after we passed the first trimester.  While I was devastated by his loss, I could recall my sense of foreboding and it gave a sense of inevitability to his death.

But not so, this time.

This time I feel confused.  What about my calm assurance? What about the sense of peace and calm I received while doing Chi Gong at the meditation center — a sense that could let go of my grief for I was going to have a baby and it was all going to be okay?  What about that?


2 thoughts on “Raw – another loss at 10 weeks

  1. I know there is nothing I can say to take the pain away, but I am so sorry. I’ve been where you are and it hurts more than imaginable. Take time to yourself, hug your spouse and little boy, and don’t rush the grief. Sending you lots of love!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s